This past week (July 16-22nd) was Birth Trauma Awareness Week. This is actually fitting as of three years ago tomorrow, on July 24, 2020, I had an emergency C-section due to a cord prolapse, as such it has been on my mind a lot lately. But especially since, I’m expecting my third baby any day now so I have had to face my birth trauma head on again…
According to a study found in the National Library of Medicine, “Up to 45% of new mothers have reported experiencing birth trauma.” Birth Trauma Awareness Week has the goal of:
Birth Trauma Association
- reduce stigma, fear and isolation related to experiences of birth-related trauma in the community
- Improve knowledge of birth-related trauma among medical professionals to support pathways to care.
- Increase access to care and support for people impacted by birth-related trauma.
I share the story of my birth trauma openly and vulnerably to hopefully reduce the isolation and increase the support to other mamas. My story continues as I prepare to welcome baby #3…
Part of My Story
The statistic I was told (30 or so minutes before it happened to me) was in 1 out of 1000 births, the umbilical cord would prolapse. This means that when breaking the water, the umbilical cord would come through the cervix before the fetus. If the baby’s head engages with the cervix, it would essentially cut off all oxygen supply to the baby. This would result in an immediate emergency c-section. The baby could die within minutes if not taken care of immediately.
The cord prolapsed when the doctor broke my water and in an instant I became that statistic. As I dealt with the trauma, I found that writing my story was a powerful way of finding peace and processing it all. I decided to share it on my blog as a way to hopefully help other mamas who are dealing with their own birth trauma. You can read my full story here: 1 OUT OF 1,000: CORD PROLAPSE BIRTH TRAUMA
Fast-forward 3 years, we are currently preparing to welcome baby #3 within the next two weeks! While I am excited and can’t wait to meet this baby boy, it is also stirring up a lot of my fears and anxieties. Leading up to this point in time, I’ve had the attitude of it will all work out. Which I know it will. BUT I’ve also been extremely unsure of what route to go. Or at least TRY to go. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, things don’t always go to according to plan. So, do I try for a VBAC? Or do I simply plan for a c-section to take out most of the uncertainties?
So, here I am again.
Writing out my thoughts in hopes to find some more peace and process things all over again as I prepare my body and mind to welcome our sweet baby boy into this world.
The Spiral of Anxiety
Things have really been weighing on me the past few weeks as we’ve dealt with some big transitions and the logistics of everything. I’ve had some nightmares and anxiety attacks over everything.
Moving. Becoming homeowners. New state. New community. Blade starting residency. The reality of having him gone again pretty much all the time. Finding a new OB. Insurance. Figuring out who will watch my kids and pup if I go into labor and family hasn’t arrived to help yet since both are out of state. Do I drive myself and my kids to the hospital? Do I drop my kids off at a friend’s on the way? What do I do if I go into labor and something bad happens like a cord prolapse again and Blade is in the middle of a surgery? Will paging him actually work? What if my water breaks at home and I have another cord prolapse? How can I tell? What would I do to protect me and baby?
Then comes all the concerns and complications of trying for a VBAC or a planned c-section. I had a consult at Mayo in Rochester the week we moved with maternal fetal medicine to discuss all the pros and cons and process of the different routes things could go. Some of the statistics worried me because while small, they still happen. We are pretty sensitive to statistics in our family because we tend to be the statistic (ex. 2 cancer diagnosis, going unmatched, having a cord prolapse…).
So many things can go wrong. What if my uterus ruptures while trying for a VBAC? But, what if everything goes smoothly and it’s fine? And how in the world will I feel about them wanting to break my water? Or maybe things go south with baby or me and we have to do another emergency c-section? What if I don’t go into labor on my own and we have to do a c-section since they won’t induce me? Am I ok with that? Will willingly walking into an OR to lay on a table and be cut open be healing or bring up bad memories?
Now, the past three paragraphs are literally just word vomit. But these (and other outrageous, ridiculous thoughts) are the kinds of thoughts I’ve been wrestling with for the past month.
So, What’s the Plan?
So, what do I do? Well, the current plan has slowly fallen into place this past week. And it has brought me some peace, but also anxiety.
At my last check, I was dilated to 1.5-2. My OB suggested stripping my membranes. I declined as I didn’t have childcare quite set up. She suggested stripping them at my next appointment, which conveniently is on my birthday. Yay. I’ve never had this done, so it is intimidating to me. If baby progresses on his own and decides to come, great! We’ll shoot for a VBAC or a TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean). If he doesn’t, we can try to strip the membranes again and see.
If he still doesn’t want to come, we will do a planned c-section. He’s already 7.5 lbs as of July 13… So there is concern he gets too big and the risk of a uterine rupture increases because of my past c-section. So the furthest they would let me go would be August 7th.
In comes my mom (bless her). I am just so grateful for this woman. She is putting everything aside and has made it clear I am more important. So, she is changing her flight so she can be here sooner. She flies in on my birthday and gratefully will be here to take care of my littles and pup at home should I go into labor after the stripping of the membranes. Best birthday present ever.
Birth Trauma
It took me a long time to warm up to the idea of having another child. I knew there was one, if not two more, meant for our family. But because of the birth trauma I experienced, I needed time to make peace with moving forward in building our family. I had to confront what exactly will be and could be required of my body and myself to bring another child into this world. Pregnancy itself is a beast. But then to face head on what rocked your world, how you became a statistic, and the fear of it happening again…Well, that’s a whole other story in itself.
So, I’m finding that birth trauma, while you can heal from, it still finds it’s way to seep into everything. It rewires your brain. It makes you a different person. Which isn’t all bad. Because you can grow from it and help others because you get it. Over time, I have found beauty in the trauma. The birth trauma I experienced has made me a stronger, more compassionate woman and mama.
In the end, I’ve really had to learn to rely and trust in God in a whole other way. I know He has a plan and it will all work out. Today in church, we sang the song, “I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go” and in the last verse it says:
So trusting my all to thy tender care,
“I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go”
And knowing thou lovest me,
This stuck out to me and touched my heart as if God was saying, “Kristi, I’ve got this. This is what you need to do.” I do trust God. I know He is tender and loves me. Now, I simply need to trust my ALL to His tender care, knowing He will take care of me because He loves me.
Permission to Share
Does any of this resonate with you? Share it! And then share your story! It doesn’t have to be to the whole world. But it can be to a close friend, the neighbor across the street, or your gym buddy. Because by sharing, we inadvertently give other women the permission to share their story. And that…well, that’s empowering.
More on The Med School Wife
1 OUT OF 1,000: CORD PROLAPSE BIRTH TRAUMA
DRAWING CLOSER TO THE SAVIOR AS A MOTHER
PICTURE-PERFECT | THE MILLENNIAL WAY OF DEFINING MOTHERHOOD
