TODAY WON’T LAST FOREVER

Today won’t last forever. That’s what I have to remind myself when these sweet moments happen. Today won’t last forever.

In moments like these, I need to step back, pause, and soak it in even just for an extra minute.

I had quietly tiptoed into Hazel’s room to wake her from her nap. It had been two hours since I laid her down and we needed to get moving. It’s not very often that I get to go in and wake her up.

I turned off the monitor, dropped the sheet over her window, and opened the blackout blinds. Sunlight streamed in. She was still out.

I walked over to her crib and just stared at her.

She was so peaceful. How could I wake this sweet sleeping babe? I examined her toes, admired her long dark eyelashes, and studied her face.

I wanted to memorize everything about this moment. So, I quickly snapped a few pictures, which I’m so glad I did. Today won’t last forever.

Eventually, I softly placed my hand on her back and whispered her name. “Hazel, time to wake up sweetheart.”

She began to stir after I continued to rub her back. Her big blue eyes popped opened and she stared at me confused, but then smiled.

Today won’t last forever.

A MANTRA

I wrote much of this blog post back in the spring of 2019, and the phrase “today won’t last forever” rings just as true now as it did last year since I’ve finally come back to finish this post.

Much has shifted and changed since last spring. In good ways and some not so good ways. So hopefully I can clearly put my thoughts together and share a small part of my story with perinatal and postpartum depression and anxiety.

“Today won’t last forever” is a mantra and coping statement I have been trying to use in my life.

The 3 in 30 podcast for moms has an episode titled, “How to Stop Being Mean to Yourself: 3 of the Best Tools I Learned in Counseling”. I’m not sure why, but something clicked when I listened to the last takeaway in this podcast episode. Add in her two episodes about Surviving Depression in Motherhood and it started to give me the courage to take action in my own motherhood. (Quick shout out to Rachel. Her podcasts are fantastic. They package doable takeaways in 30 minutes. If you haven’t checked her podcast out, give it a listen!)

Her last takeaway in the first episode I mentioned was this…

“Use ‘coping statements’ to help you re-center and stay calm in moments when you might spiral into despair.”

This and more is exactly what I should have been doing during the first 18 or so months of my daughter’s life. Because there were many moments where I felt like I was drowning from anger, loss of purpose, and postpartum depression.

And what seemed to be the biggest trigger for me? Sleep.

THE TRIGGER

There are a few areas since becoming a mom where I’ve found I struggle with the negative self-talk and getting frustrated. One of those areas is SLEEP.

Sleep is actually one of the circumstances that throw moms off in the podcast episode I referenced above.

Being well over a year removed of some particularly dark moments in my motherhood, I feel like I can finally unpack what I was dealing with physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Physically, I felt EXHAUSTED. Emotionally, I felt like I was barely keeping my head up. Mentally, I wasn’t in a healthy spot.

I’m partially writing about this now looking back on the struggle so that when baby #2 comes along in July I can read this and remind myself that today won’t last forever, this too shall pass. It will get better!

You see our sweet daughter was not a great night sleeper for the first six months of her life and wasn’t a great napper until she was around 18 months.

She literally woke up about every two hours during the night until we sleep trained her around five months. Occasionally, we’d get a four hour block which was glorious.

Thankfully, after quite a few long nights during sleep training, she figured it out and has slept through the night ever since! Praise!

Of course there are still those random strings of early morning wakings, growth spurt interruptions, sickness, and occasionally crying herself to sleep. But that’s life.

When it comes to naps, we are currently down to one nap and things are so much better. She sleeps between 1.5-2 hours.

BUT that three naps and two naps phase was ROUGH. Rarely did she have more than 30-60 min naps. A one hour nap was a MIRACLE and so so rare.

THE CONSTANT CYCLE

I honest to goodness feel like I have some PTSD from those sleep-deprived months. It was torture and I did not like who I became with night after night of interrupted sleep every two hours! My nurse practitioner even compared the type of sleep deprivation I was experiencing with a form of torture they use in war.

When she had short naps, it would drive me NUTS! Her not sleeping became one of my triggers. I let it ruin my day. I would have thoughts like…

Why won’t my baby sleep like everyone else’s baby?! (right 😉 haha…) I feel like I am doing everything right. I am doing exactly what the sleep experts suggest. So, why isn’t she sleeping longer during nap time? What am I doing wrong??

I became obsessive about her sleeping habits and couldn’t relax if she was awake when she was “supposed” to be sleeping. So, I created a strict schedule and I had to stick to it.

I was also extremely angry. Like the build up inside, want to yell kind of anger. I couldn’t handle it. This anger brought on dark thoughts and caused me to have some self-loathing. I hated how it made me feel because “this shouldn’t be such a big deal.”

In fact, how many times had I told myself and had friends, family and my husband tell me to “just let it go”?

But you see, I HADN’T BEEN ABLE TO JUST LET IT GO. I COULDN’T! I was too focused on trying to fix the problem of short naps instead of just accepting the situation for what it is, and telling myself, “Today won’t last forever.” It was a constant cycle.

Like I said, I generally am a very calm and level headed person. It takes a lot to make me mad. But for some reason, the lack of sleep had me acting like a different person.

In some ways, I was a different person. I later learned that the anger I was feeling is actually one of the ways that postpartum depression manifests itself. I wasn’t myself. Plus, looking back, I can see big red flags of other signs of postpartum depression and anxiety. I talk a little bit about this in my post Thoughts on Motherhood. In hindsight, I should have sought help and been on medication for that postpartum depression and worked to interrupt the cycle.

Speaking of negative self-talk or behavior cycles, Rachel says, “If I can use coping statements to forgive myself, to ground myself, and move on – then I’m interrupting that cycle.”

I’m learning more and more how important it is to interrupt those negative cycles. Either though various coping skills, medication, or both!

PERINATAL DEPRESSION

During this second pregnancy, I have been experiencing perinatal depression. According to the Mayo Clinic, “Research suggests that about 7% of pregnant women experience depression during pregnancy.”

In case you are wondering what this looks like, for me I have had the following signs and symptoms.

• Little interest in doing things that I once loved like writing, exercising, or watching a show.
• Can’t concentrate. I find myself getting halfway through a TV show and thinking, “Ok, I’m done.”
• No motivation. It seems like it takes so much effort to just get dressed and I don’t really care to do anything.
• Exhaustion. There have been many days where I can not keep my eyes open. Bless Hazel’s heart that she is so good and just would play on the floor while I drifted in and out of sleep.
• Thoughts of not wanting to be pregnant or have another baby. I didn’t want anything to do with the newborn stage. Thinking about what was to come gave me anxiety.
• A lack of feeling. I felt just empty and muted.

In the same breath, I want to be clear. I still had happy moments. I still could laugh here or there, smile, and hold a good conversation with friends and family. And gratefully, I had my trusty side-kick Tucker, who rarely left my side and would often come check on me when I was laying in bed.

During this time, I technically on the PHQ-9 scale, I was a 10. Which is considered moderate depression.

For some, perinatal and postpartum depression and anxiety can also lead to thoughts like, “My family would be better without me.” Or thoughts of self harm. Which often are accompanied with feelings of shame and guilt.

If this is you, please seek help. You are not alone or a bad mom for having these thoughts. Talk to someone you trust. Make a plan with your physician. Today won’t last forever, but it can feel like it will. Take that first hard step and seek the help you need.

So, I worked up the courage to talk to my doctor. Was this just me sucking at coping with the extreme nausea and a physically draining first trimester? Or was this something bigger?

My doctor gave me the PHQ-9 test for depression and GAD-7 for anxiety. She followed up with asking me some questions about my family history and personal history with my last pregnancy and postpartum experience. I shared everything. Past and present. The anger. The loss of purpose. The sleep problems. The resentment. The lack of feeling.

She listened and validated me. Then she recommended I try Zoloft. She shared a bit about the medication and how it has helped many women in my situation.

I agreed. So she wrote the prescription and Blade picked it up later that day.

ZOLOFT

Once I had the prescription in my hand, all the fears came rushing in.

I am not against medication at all. In fact, there are many people in my life that I know who have benefited greatly from medication specifically for their mental health.

But, was I at that point? Did I truly need it? Or did I just need to be more diligent in self-care and developing coping skills? Well, if I was to be honest with myself, I probably needed both. But I couldn’t get past some of these thoughts and take the first dose.

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What if I don’t actually need it and I take it and it messes up my hormones and body?

But I do have good days. I’m ok. I can do this.

What about the side affects? Is it safe for my baby?

Will I stay on it through the birth and postpartum? Will it affect my child when they’re born? Is it safe for breastfeeding?

How long do I have to stay on it?

And to top it off (as stupid as it sounds), I’d think, “What if it’s all in my head and I actually am fine.”

Wow. Big. Red. Flag. Kristi.

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All of these thoughts are totally valid and I needed answers. So I started to do my research. I read research articles, talked with women who have taken or are currently taking Zoloft, and discussed it with my husband. I actually had him pull up the page on Zoloft on Up to Date. This is a resource with all the latest research and practice on various topics in medicine. All these things helped, but something was still holding me back.

So, I talked to my doctor again and she was more than willing to refer me to a therapist that specifically works with pregnant women and new moms. I have now met with her twice. Both have been emotionally exhausting, but good. I’ve walked away with goals and coping skills to try. Pair those with turning the corner on the nausea train (still not feeling great) and things have been better.

But still something felt off.

Plus, based off of my postpartum experience with Hazel, both my doctor and therapist suggested starting Zoloft before the birth so my body could adjust and hopefully curb the postpartum depression.

So, I decided to start taking the Zoloft to help interrupt the cycle. Even saying that is still a little scary. But I try to remind myself these three things…

• I want to be healthy and there for myself.
• If I can’t be there for myself, I can’t be there for my kids or my husband.
• I don’t want to feel the way I did after having my first child.

REMEMBER

Day one of Zoloft was February 24, 2020.

I plan to write again about this topic and share how things change with Zoloft. It may work for me. It may not. But I won’t know if I don’t try.

Long story short, if any of this resonated with you, I challenge you to seek the help that you need. I hope you to know that whether it’s the lack of sleep, those sweet newborn cuddles, a bout of depression, or the peaceful moment of holding a sleeping toddler — just remember…today won’t last forever.