This article was published in the Fall 2017 in Stance: Studies on the Family Journal at Brigham Young University
Written by Kristi Hargiss
Any edits or additions made from the original published article have been noted.
Abstract
Clean faces. Beautiful meals. Clutter-free home. Color coordinated. Happy smiles. Perfectly designed. Styled hair. Mess-free cooking. Fight free zone. Perfect picture. Perfect wife. Perfect mom. As Millennials, we often see this “picture-perfect mom” as a requirement for what motherhood should be like.
When we consistently feed ourselves air brushed images of perfectly behaved children or gourmet meals, we begin to perceive there is a picture-perfect world of motherhood rather than picture-perfect snapshots of motherhood. Subsequently, while this may not be the reality of motherhood and we very well know that, we shape our perception and expectations of our own motherhood based off of our observations. Thus, we can experience negative consequences in relation to our well-being as we compare and strive for perfection.
Using various theories and studies, this paper explores a historical background of how motherhood was portrayed from the 40s to the 60s, the problem Millennial mothers are facing today, and how we can shape our own motherhood as we live in a digital and filtered world.
PICTURE-PERFECT: THE MILLENNIAL WAY OF DEFINING MOTHERHOOD
Clean faces. Beautiful meals. Clutter-free home. Color coordinated. Happy smiles. Perfectly designed. No mess. Styled hair. Elegant table settings. Mess-free cooking. Tailored garden. Fight free zone. Perfect wife. Perfect mom. Perfect picture.
This is the picture-perfect family, right? And whose responsibility is it? Mom’s, of course. Isn’t this picture-perfect life of tamed hair and cute snacks in the shapes of dinosaurs what all mothers should strive to attain? This “perfect mom” sounds like a fairytale.
Yet, as Millennials, we often see this “picture-perfect mom” as a requirement for motherhood, a far-reaching goal that is never attainable. Nonetheless, we consistently try to reach it only to fail because little Jack puked all over his shirt that you just changed. So, ladies, what is it that feeds this fairytale? Instagram.
AN AIRBRUSHED IDEAL
This picture-focused social media platform is where many mommy bloggers paint what the perfect mom looks like or should look like according to society. Their accounts are cohesive masterpieces featuring cute kids, fun family adventures, and delectable food.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I really do admire these “mommy bloggers” (I might even consider myself as one) and I love Instagram and, obviously, I am not the only one. Millennials love Instagram and Instagram loves Millennials. In fact, 90 percent of Instagram users are under the age of 35. Millennials are story makers, and Instagram is their medium. They love how it helps them document their life through photos and short videos. Plus, there are some talented people out there who have a great eye for capturing unique and memorable moments.
In her article, “Instagram’s Big Picture,” Forbes writer Kathleen Chaykowski (2016) stated,
“Instagram’s road to mass adoption has come through an intuitive app that has easy editing tools and a set of filters that allow anyone to turn smartphone photos and videos into edgy, nostalgic, glamorous, intimate or dramatic visual diaries. Instagram filters transform everyday life into an airbrushed ideal—personal advertisements to share with friends and fans (emphasis added)” (p. 65).
Is there something inherently wrong with gorgeous photography capturing our lives? Well, no. Not really. Rather it is our consistent Instagram viewing of what the world may deem as “the perfection of motherhood” that can perpetuate some unhealthy results and views of motherhood.
As we perceive and observe the “airbrushed ideal” mom life and cultivate unrealistic expectations of our own motherhood, we can experience negative consequences in relation to our well-being as we compare ourselves to others and strive for perfection.
THE INSTAGRAM OF THE 40S-60S
The image of the airbrushed ideal of motherhood isn’t anything new. Women have been hearing this message for some time. Let’s step back a few decades and look at the Instagram of the 40s through the 60s—home product advertisements.
With the world at war, women were encouraged to get involved in the war efforts both at home and abroad. Many women entered the workforce and even served in the Armed Forces. Despite the shift in the labor force, popular media encouraged women to still focus on their duties at home.
During and post-WWII, Vogue magazine and Good Housekeeping produced “content which came to reflect prevailing notions about women’s roles in familial upkeep, . . . protecting American values, . . . and cooking and maintaining the home” (Liljequist, 2015, p. 28).
A study of women’s magazines in America from 1940 to 1960 showed that the ideal of domesticity was characterized in “women’s social interactions, participation in civic affairs, engagement in beauty regimens, and pursuit of upward mobility” (Liljequist, 2015, p. 5).
Sound familiar? This was and continues to be the airbrushed ideal of what society expects of mothers and women alike.
THE PERCEPTION
“A Comparative Analysis of the Roles Portrayed by Women in Print Advertisements,” by Ahmed Belkaoui and Janice M. Belkaoui pinpoints stereotypes of women that can be found in late 1950s advertisements. One stereotype was of nonworking women in decorative roles and idle situations. Women were portrayed lying on the beach or wearing expensive clothing or jewelry while standing in a beautiful home. Interestingly, women were portrayed more often as the “decorative features in the advertisements’ layouts” (Belkaoui & Belkaoui, 1976, p. 170) instead of completing everyday housework.
These advertisements placed women in unrealistic and uncommon situations. As a mom during these times, rarely would you be able to find yourself on a beach or wearing jewelry or clothes more expensive than your kitchen appliances. These ads paint the ultimate picture of what should be desired in a mother within our society, and in turn, it affects what you “should” desire for your own motherhood.
THE DOMESTIC IDEAL TODAY
Fast forward to 2016. What is the domestic ideal of today’s mothers? I would submit the answer lies in two words. You guessed it—Instagram moms.
Instagram has provided many mommy bloggers with a perfect outlet for sharing personal advertisements of their mom life, much like the ads in the 1950s—sporting the newest clothing line from an upscale store, taking a snap of their beautifully decorated home, and cooking a healthy meal for the family. Everything from the lipstick they are wearing to how the kids are always clean says something about the ideal image of domesticity and motherhood.
Similar to the post-WWII women, moms today may feel social pressure to have a successful career in or outside of the home. Many “picture-perfect moms” have Instagram and other social media accounts that are characterized by recent career ventures on top of the required social interactions, beauty regimens, familial upkeep, and pursuit of upward mobility. These cultural connotations of mothers found in old ads and current Instagram accounts speak volumes about what is considered the perfection of motherhood in American society.
THE PERCEPTION
The first impression of an Instagram photo of the clean, happy smile of a child can say, “Your children always need to look presentable.” The big house and new SUV right off the lot can say, “You and your husband need to be successful and have money to have the perfect life.” The overpriced vacation where you snorkel with a white, sandy beach in the background might say, “You are constantly on an adventure and have the money to travel all the time.” The exercise regimen and toned body can say, “You should be thin, even if you are a mom.” The freshly cooked and nutritionally balanced meal in a clean kitchen may say, “You’re a good mom and wife if you are always on top of things” These Instagram posts portray the standard of “the picture-perfect mom” and play a part in defining motherhood.
I am not suggesting this is what people intend to portray when they post a gorgeous photo of the family on the beach.
Rather, it is often the viewer who imposes these expectations or perceptions on the person behind the photo and even on themselves.
There is nothing inherently wrong with each of these pictures or the people who post them. In fact, I think many of these photos represent good desires and goals.
However, when these photos of perfection become the expectation, that is when we have allowed the picture-perfect image of motherhood take control. We unconsciously create this ideal of motherhood, which increases the distance between expectations and achievability. Here is where the underlying problem is for many moms. We feel we can’t do enough or be enough—we have to do more or become more. Many Instagram accounts portray these messages of more: more money, more creativity, more adventure, more DIY projects, more perfect. We tend to put these unrealistic expectations of more on ourselves. If we don’t emulate the Instagram moms we follow, then we are not reaching the standard of what a mom should be in American society.
WHY DO WE SEE AND DESIRE A PICTURE-PERFECT MOTHERHOOD
The attribution theory plays a part in creating the picture of what more we need to be the perfect mom. Katerina Lup, Leora Trub, and Lisa Rosenthal (2015) use the attribution theory to explain that people tend to assume that what is captured through enhanced photos of celebrities or social media influencers is actually how they live.
When we consistently feed ourselves air-brushed images of perfectly-behaved children or gourmet meals, we begin to perceive there is a picture-perfect world of motherhood rather than picture-perfect snapshots of motherhood.
Subsequently, we shape our perception and expectations of our own motherhood off our observations of these types of images of moms. We know that these images may not be the reality of motherhood, but we do it anyway. Our perceptions of reality would be very different if we spent less time on social media.
Instagram and other photo-heavy sites give an opportunity for users to display the details of their lives only when it fits what they deem as perfect, and they do so for good reason. The whole world is going to be able to see it, so naturally we want it to be picture-perfect. Instagram users tend to display what they perceive as the perfect picture out of the fifty plus they took and then apply filters that enhance the photo even more. Consequently, we only observe the highlight reels of the moms we follow.
Sociologist Charles Cooley described this in his theory the looking-glass self. He said our view of ourselves comes from ourselves, but more particularly it comes from how we think we are being perceived by others (Miller, 2015).
So, we tend to put our highlight reels and best moments on our social media because this means we can then control what other people think of us. If we think others find us cool or admirable because of comments and likes, we in turn define ourselves as cool and admirable. And sadly, sometimes we begin to ruthlessly compare.
INSTASAD, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
Social media, and particularly Instagram, has created a culture of comparing. In the article, “Instagram #Instasad?: Exploring Associations Among Instagram Use, Depressive Symptoms, Negative Social Comparison, and Strangers Followed,” Lup (2015) found that frequent Instagram users who follow influencers that they don’t know, like a celebrity or mommy blogger, began to judge and compare themselves to the lives of others. As a result, they were more likely to experience distress, negative feelings about themselves, and depressive symptoms than those who only followed people they knew.
We idealize these representations of mothers and admire their happier and more successful life than our own. Over time, this comparison can affect our own well-being. We feel we need to keep up with all the other moms out there.
So, what do we do? We seek after that perfection.
We take thousands of photos just to show off our perfect Christmas holiday. Then, we spend hours deciding what photo to post on our social media pages. We feel a need to display perfection. We feel the need to be the perfect mom, just like all those other Instagram moms. But often, we begin to feel like we have failed—all because of the gap we created between our expectations and reality.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
So, now what? Instagram is here to stay. These perceptions of the airbrushed ideal of motherhood have always been and always will exist. Mothers are not going to stop taking photos of their lives. What can we do to combat comparison and depression?
We can start by shaping our own motherhood by exercising the control we have over our own well-being.
Here are a few tips.
PICTURE TAKING SKILLS
Kushnick (2016) also encourages taking healthy selfies in his article “The Ultimate Guide to a Healthy Selfie.” Some of his tips include avoiding extended photo shoots because of the high expectations it can create, reducing how much you monitor social media likes, and committing to return “to the beauty of the moment once a selfie is taken.”
Professional photographer and mother of three Rebecca Sior shares tips on how we can document our family life without torturing our kids and drive ourselves crazy in the process on this episode How to Document Your Family Without Torturing Them from the 3 in 30 podcast with Rachel Nielson. (added June 20, 2019)
SOCIAL MEDIA USAGE
In his article “How to Stop Social Media from Making You Depressed,” Psychologist Greg Kushnick (2016) suggested to “take a break from social media. Remove the app from your phone for a week or two.”
Try to unplug once a week or set a limit of how much time you spend on social media and make note of the difference you feel in your attitude or outlook on life.
We should strive to monitor our use of social media and replace our consistent consumption of it with meaningful activities that will enhance our lives and relationships. This is not to say Millennials need to stop posting on social media, stop following other moms, and completely unplug. Rather we need to recognize these photos for what they are—something shaping the motherhood of the Instagrammer posting the photo.
This will likely require a mental shift for many of us. Continue to capture those beautiful moments, those picture-perfect snapshots of your motherhood. But don’t forget those crazy hair days or shoes scattered on the floor. Sometimes the most beautiful moments of motherhood are in the messiest or busiest of circumstances.
Another tip is to put the phone down. Dr. Katie Penry, a licensed clinical psychologist and mother of two young children, shares How to Stop Looking at your Phone So Much — and Why it Matters. She offers three easy takeaways to help us look up from our phones and engage our children. (added June 20, 2019).
CHOOSE YOUR VALIDATION, INFLUENCE, AND PICTURE-PERFECT DEFINITION
Most of all, don’t place your value as a mother on whether your life is as cohesive a masterpiece as what other moms’ Instagram accounts look like. Strive to stop seeking validation from what strangers say or how many likes you get. Seek validation and connection with the relationships that are personal.
As we recognize the reality behind the photo, we remind ourselves of the true purpose of our motherhood. The influence of a mother is priceless.
Let the Millennial way of defining motherhood be your own way. We choose what type of influence we will be on our children, family, and community. We shape our own motherhood.
So, let your motherhood be enough—that is when you will find your own definition of picture-perfect.
References below
More Thoughts on Motherhood
REFERENCES
Belkaoui, A., & Belkaoui, J. M. (1976). A Comparative Analysis of the Roles Portrayed by Women in Print Advertisements: 1958, 1970, 1972. Journal Of Marketing Research (JMR), 13(2), 168-172.
Chaykowski, Kathleen. (2016). Instagram’s Big Picture. Forbes, volume 198, issue 2, page 65. http://content.ebscohost.com.erl.lib.byu.edu/ContentServer.asp?EbscoContent=dGJyMNHX8kSeqLA4zdnyOLCmr06ep7JSsqi4SrGWxWXS&ContentCustomer=dGJyMPGuskyurK5IuePfgeyx43zx1%2BqE&T=P&P=AN&S=R&D=buh&K=117050301
Cohen, J., & Weimann, G. (2000). Cultivation Revisited: some Genres Have Some Effects on Some Viewers. Communication Reports, 13(2), 99.
Kushnick, G. (2016, August 17). How to Take a Healthy Selfie. Retrieved March 14, 2017, from http://techealthiest.com/how-to-take-a-healthy-selfie/
Kushnick, G. (2016, May 03). How To Stop Social Media From Making You Depressed. Retrieved March 14, 2017, from http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/greg-kushnick-psyd/how-to-avoid-social-media-depression_b_9822112.html
Liljequist, A. G. (2015). “Soft, glossy tresses”: Shampoo advertisements, white women’s hair, and the late- and post- world war II domestic ideal (Order No. 3723177). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Full Text; ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1720223651). Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/1720223651?accountid=4488
Lup K, Trub L, Rosenthal L. Instagram #Instasad?: Exploring Associations Among Instagram Use, Depressive Symptoms, Negative Social Comparison, and Strangers Followed. Cyberpsychology, Behavior & Social Networking [serial online]. May 2015; 18(5): 247-252. Available from: Academic Search Premier, Ipswich, MA. Accessed October 22, 2016.
Miller, B. (2015, January 22). Retrieved February 13, 2017, from https://www.khanacademy.org/test-prep/mcat/individuals-and-society/self-identity/v/charles-cooley-looking-glass-self
