YEAR FOUR AS A MED SCHOOL WIFE

Reflecting on the past medical year, here are four things I learned during my fourth year as a med school wife.

This post and year wrap up comes later than usual as I’ve been single parenting it, and quite honestly, looking back over the last year is really hard in many aspects. A lot of it feels like a blur and certain events that occurred throw me into a dark space. I even had to go back and look at pictures because the only thing that really stands out from year four as a med school wife was not matching. Which was pretty soul crushing for all of us. So, I’ve struggled to know what to cover in this year in review because I don’t even know if I am ready to revisit things myself.

Year one as a med school wife was probably more challenging than year two, and year three as a med school wife came with it’s own unique sets of personal challenges. The end of year four (and now into year five) flipped our world upside down and has proved and currently is proving to be one of the hardest years yet of medical school and quite possibly since we’ve been married.

YEAR FOUR RECAP

First year was all about the basics. Second year was taking that information and applying it to the organ systems. Third year was all about clinical rotations, gaining and mastering clinical skills, working on several research projects, and applying everything he has learned thus far. Fourth year was focused on finishing up rotation and graduation requirements, prepping and applying for residency and the Match, and then dealing with the aftermath of the Match.

For the month of August, Blade completed his away in Charleston, SC. Little did we know this was just practice for this year. We got to visit his last week and had a blast. When applications for aways first opened, we were only allowed one due to COVID. So, we chose our one and turned down a lot of amazing opportunities. A week after we turned down those acceptances, they changed the away rule and said you could do as many as you wanted. Seemed pretty unfair and ridiculous to change the rules in the middle of the game. We could have applied to more, but Blade’s schedule was pretty set so we decided to stick with one. In hindsight, we wish we would have done more aways.

I have to give a shout out to my amazing husband. He worked his tail off during his away all while fighting off a pretty gnarly infection from his recent resection surgery on his leg from his melanoma. He was in a lot of pain and constantly on his feet. Blade is consistently blowing me away with his resilience and dedication.

Once back from his away, Blade worked as the head TA in the anatomy again for the second year in a row. By September, we had officially submitted our application to the Match and applied to various residency programs across the nation. Blade worked on finishing up rotations, requirements, Step 2 prep, and completed his final immunotherapy infusion. Our oldest started preschool, while our youngest loved alone time with mom. I became addicted to Burn Boot Camp (attending six days a week) and taught swim lessons at the local rec center in the evenings. We made time to enjoy fall in Minnesota. Then came interviews, Christmas, and a visit to Pittsburg, PA.

January and February drug on as we anticipated the Match. I began packing up things we didn’t often use, we submitted our rank list, reconnected with programs, sent in our letter of intent, and we waited.

Match Day was a living hell, to be honest.

We were completely shocked, numb, brokenhearted, and extremely confused. Everything we worked up to at that point should not have led to being unmatched. Advisors, mentors, friends, family, colleagues, program directors, and others were baffled and had very few answers for us. I wrote a whole blog post about this time, which will be shared at a later time.

After deciding our course of action of taking a 5th year where Blade would retain his student status, we quickly began to apply to away rotations to prepare for the next Match cycle.

In April, we still went on our graduation trip to Mexico that we had booked back in November. It was bittersweet. The end of April marked Blade’s year mark since his cancer diagnosis. During the month of May, Blade completed what would be his first of five away rotations and returned in time to support his friends at what was supposed to be our graduation too.

And thus began a very unexpected extra year of medical school. God has a greater purpose in store for us with this challenge of a fifth year, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

FOUR THINGS I LEARNED DURING FOURTH YEAR

Reflecting on the past medical year, there are several things I learned during my fourth year as a med school wife. So, I tried to narrow it down to just four… The large majority of lessons that stand out all relate to going unmatched, so I guess I could rename this post to four things I learned from not matching haha…

The Hard Climbs Prep Us for the Bigger Mountains in Life
Make Space to be Angry and Grieve
Faith in a Higher Purpose and Higher Power
Grit and Resilience

1. The Hard Climbs Prep Us for the Bigger Mountains in Life

“The Savior is never closer to you than when you are facing or climbing a mountain with faith.” -President Russell M Nelson

I wrote this social media post below near the end of Blade’s very first rotation in August of 2021. Funny how looking back it was just prepping us to know what to expect for this year…

“I’ll be honest, the past few weeks have been ROUGH. This mountain of a month is a tough climb.
Since the start of Blade’s away rotation, we’ve both faced challenges. I’m sharing more about it on the blog today including…
•A hit and run in the middle of the night on Blade’s rental car.
•30-hour trip, long sleepless nights in airports for his 3rd immunotherapy infusion.
•9 bouts of kids throwing up between the two of them. 10 if you count the dog.
•Single parenting chaos and more.
Being the only adult in charge is nerve-wracking. What if something were to happen to me? I’ve become paranoid that something will horrible will happen and no one will know for days because no one is coming home after work to us. So, the kids would be left on their own. Scenario after scenario played through my mind that first week of Blade being gone. So, I try to text Blade during the day to check in.
I am exhausted.
I yell more than I’d like to admit.
I am stressed.
I feel anxious and overwhelmed easily.
I am emotionally and physically stretched thin.
I am lonely but I want alone time.
I feel like I have zero patience.
I have cried many times just from the overwhelm.
Yes, this mountain is big. It’s hard. I’m trying to climb it with faith.
I’m trying to recognize the Savior’s closeness during this season. But at times it’s pretty hard to do. So, I decided to sit down tonight and write out a list of how I’ve felt and seen His hand. And yes, the list on the blog definitely highlights some of those tender mercies from the Lord we’ve experienced during this away rotation. But I still feel pretty defeated.
I don’t think that “closeness” to the Savior when facing mountains necessarily means that it gets easier or lifts all your burdens. Rather, I think it is when we rely on Him with our faith that we are GIVEN THE CAPACITY to keep going. Because you see, sometimes that’s all that we can do. We just do what we have to do because there is no other option.”
Instagram

That first away seems like a blip in the timeline of things now, but I think it gave me confidence and helped me see what I am capable of as a mother and wife, especially when I rely on my Savior. This is a reminder I need for the bigger mountain we are climbing during our 5th year.

2. Make Space to be Angry and Grieve

When we found out we didn’t Match, we both were understandably angry and broken-hearted. It was extremely hard to watch my husband be in so much pain and have so much anger about the circumstances we were now facing. Especially when we had done everything “right”. I was also trying to process everything myself and figure out how to support Blade to the best of my ability at the same time.

We’ve faced many circumstances and loses in our lives that have brought both grief and anger. Cancer for sure. Death of loved ones. Unfairness in situations, sure. But as I am reflecting, I don’t know if we’ve faced something that has felt like a complete direct hit as not matching. It felt like a personal hell that we only imagined happening.

People may not understand why we felt like it was such a direct hit. “You’ll get to reapply next year” “Participate in the SOAP” …. I don’t expect them to understand. If you’re not on the medical journey, you probably won’t fully get it.

But in that moment, when we knew we did everything “right” and we had dedicated well over four years of our lives to this moment, only to have the rug ripped out from under us… Well, you can imagine how hard it was to try and make decisions with a clear mind in just a few days. We both were so angry and sad.

Even writing this is hard. I’m filled with the emotions of that day and the weeks to follow and it’s hard. So, if I’ve learned anything from this it’s the importance of making space for you and your spouse to be angry and grieve in challenging trials.

Here’s a few ideas of how to do that:

Let your spouse grieve or be angry in their own way. This could mean listening to them, being ok with silence, or giving them time alone.
Not sure what they need to do it in “their own way”? Ask them! Express your love and desire to support them how they need you to. If they don’t know, just listen or give lots of hugs.
It’s hard to do this, but try not to “fix it”.
Consistently take care of yourself and look for ways to take care of your spouse to take off some of their load.
Lean on others. Use your tribe. Cry with your tribe. Share the load.
Acknowledge and honor the loss. For us, it was the loss of what we imagined the future to be.
Lovingly call each other out and give reality checks when the time is right.
Seek professional counseling.
Be patient. Anger and grief take time to work through.

3. Faith in a Higher Purpose and Higher Power

I know it may go without saying, but amid the past few challenging years I know that God sees something we can’t. While I don’t understand why we have to go through this right now in this way, I can’t help but feel there is a greater and higher purpose in this trial.

God has greater plans for us than we can imagine. He has led us in the past to where we need to be and this isn’t any different. I am grateful for the peace I’ve felt amid this storm, glimmers of light here and there. It is a testament to me that there is a higher power, which is our Heavenly Father who loves us deeply and truly wants the best for us.

I would not be able to do what I am doing (single parenting for 5+ months) without my faith in a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who understands me perfectly.

And so, we press forward in faith and with a plan.

4. Grit and Resilience

Pressing forward amid challenges requires grit and resilience. To be frank, life sometimes sucks and you just have to keep moving forward.

“Grit is about sustained, consistent effort toward a goal even when we struggle, falter, or temporarily fail. Resilience is our ability to bounce back after we have struggled, faltered, or failed. It is being able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, take a moment or two to collect ourselves, and then get back to the business of pursuing our goal. It involves optimism.”
–Positive Psychology

When our goal of having a successful match didn’t happen, we had to continue pushing forward. Part of this was dealing with anger, grieving the future we thought would be ours, consistently taking care of ourselves, and getting back to the grind of finishing medical school and securing a residency spot. We had to make new plans. We did not quit, we adapted. Our new plan with these away rotations has been extremely hard, but we keep going.

“The American Psychological Association (2012) created a useful resource titled The Road to Resilience. In it, the contributors define resilience as ‘the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress….’
Grit is the engine that moves us toward our goal. Resilience is the oil that keeps the engine moving.”
–POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY

Slowly as we moved forward, we became more optimistic toward the opportunities that were at Blade’s finger tips. We felt that perhaps God’s plan was greater than our own. While it didn’t make sense of why it had to happen this way, we are starting to see a new path being laid before us. But in order to see that path, we had to get up and move forward in faith that God would show us the next steps.

ON TO YEAR FIVE

First, second, third, and fourth year are in the books. Here is what’s next for us when it comes to this unexpected year of opportunity…

We wrap up away rotations July-October
Apply for residency programs in September
Interview October-January
Keep up on skills by rotating in the OR
Match in March
Finish up any graduation requirements
Graduate in May
Begin residency in July

Here’s to our fifth year of medical school at the Mayo Clinic Alix School of Medicine in Rochester, MN (and several other states for away rotations!).