The other night, my husband and I sat down and had some “real talk”. The kind of talk where you feel like your future is laid out ahead of you. Excitement and nervousness is rolled up into one ball of emotion and then, before you know it, reality is slapping you in the face. Yeah… I would definitely qualify it as that kind of talk. When it comes to choosing a medical specialty, you have to have real talk.
Currently, we are in our first year of medical school so there are loads of opportunities to learn about potential fields of medicine. Blade recently attended an information session on surgery hosted by the Mayo Clinic’s Head of the General Surgery Residency Program.
There was a short presentation followed by an open forum where students could ask questions about residency and work-life balance. Soon enough, the topic of hours came up. Residency would look something like this…
Reality of Residency Hours
100 hours one week. 60 hours the next week. One weekend off. Press repeat for five years and that is general surgery residency, at least at the Mayo. On average, that comes to about 80 hours a week with four days off a month.
Blade is considering specializing in pediatric cardiothoracic surgery. So, after five years of that fun, he would have 3-4 years of fellowship. There are also possibilities of doing an integrated program and so he could get out in six years total.
Woof. So many hours! So many questions! Is this right for us? Can we do it? Should we do it? Who knew that choosing a medical specialty would be so daunting? Why so many hours? What are the pros? What are the cons? Oh, and not to mention kids. When it the world would we decide to have more kids!? Does that mean we have to bust them all out in med school? Ok, getting ahead of myself.
The Sacrifices
Don’t get me wrong. I did not come to medical school totally naive and unaware of the time and effort that would have to be put in on both our parts. We did a fair bit of research before applying so we knew at least a little bit of what to expect. However, the hours required of surgery residents shocked me. The sacrifice that both the future surgeon and the family at home have to make is daunting.
I knew that med school and residency would be hard. There would be nights and weeks where we wouldn’t see him. He would miss family dinners, birthdays, kids’ first steps, soccer games, swim meets, our nightly scripture study and prayers.
I would be alone for many nightly and morning routines with the kids. Alone on making many (not all of course) parenting decisions. Alone to figure out car troubles, kid troubles, dog troubles. Alone when the house gets quiet and the kids are asleep. We would miss him. He would miss us.
But to be coming face to face with the knowledge that this would, in fact, be our reality in just under four years if he went the surgery route… I would be lying if I said it didn’t make my heart drop.
Choosing A Medical Specialty: Why Surgery
Many people joke with us and say, “With a name like Blade of course you have to become a surgeon. Dr. Blade! Who wouldn’t want to have a surgeon with that name work on you?”
Blade’s desire to become a surgeon, specifically a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon, has nothing to do with his name, though that is just an added bonus. This desire has come about because of his experience while shadowing and because of his youngest sister.
Blade thoroughly enjoyed shadowing multiple surgeries in his undergrad. His experience in the clinic was, shall we say, uneventful. He thrives in high stress and hands-on situations. So, he has been set on working in a hospital instead of a clinic.
Pursuing pediatric cardiothoracic surgery as his specialty came about when his youngest sister was born with Down syndrome. He saw and felt firsthand what that type of surgeon can do for families. This gave him the motivation to become a pediatric surgeon who could provide the same peace and hope his sister’s surgeon gave his family.
However, as the head of the general surgery residency put it, if there is something you love just as much as surgery, do that. Surgery is tough and you have to LOVE surgery to survive. So, over the next three years, choosing a medical specialty that we both love is what we will be doing. Discovering fields Blade loves, but also the specialties that will work for our family.
Now What
One of the reasons I am grateful about this punch in the gut is that it came early. Choosing a medical specialty takes time and thought. It allows us to do our due diligence in gathering information and talking about fears, adjustments, and preparations if surgery is the route we go.
It gives us the time to explore other fields. Over the next three years, Blade will be exposed to hundreds of potential paths and specialties. As we gather information, talk to current residents and doctors, and discuss openly about our honest-to-goodness feelings about each field, a couple specialties are sure to make their way to the top of our list.
In the end, if surgery is where Blade ends up, we can jump in with both feet and eyes wide open.
As Blade shared with me the realities of surgery residency, we agreed for his sake and my sake, we would both need to come to the conclusion that surgery, or whatever field he ends up pursuing, is something we could and want to do.
I say “could” because we both will need to make sacrifices and have the tenacity to stick it through. I say “want” because just being able to endure through something because you “could” do it, is not enough. We both need to want it if we are to be successful in our family, our marriage, and Blade’s career.
Blade’s career choice will impact the welfare of our family and marriage in many ways. My attitude and support, or lack thereof, will similarly do so. I have to want my husband to help people through his chosen field. He has to want the same thing knowing what he will have to sacrifice when it comes to his own family.
Seeking Answers
During this real talk, it hit me. I came to the realization that I need to seek and receive my own personal answer from God whether or not Blade should be a surgeon. If we are going to do this and make the sacrifices to get there, I better be going to God about this decision. I mean come on, choosing a medical specialty is kind of a big deal. I have learned time and time again just how important it is to trust in God’s plan.
Just like many times before and during our marriage, it is critical that in this decision I (and Blade for that matter) truly feel his chosen specialty is what he is supposed to do. If I don’t have a firm answer, it will be quite easy to backpedal when things get tough. That’s how blaming, finger pointing, and doubting our ability to complete the challenge ahead begins.
But if I have an answer from God, I will have an assurance I can rely on when things seem to be beyond my capacity to handle.
Understanding that we both have an obligation to seek answers through study and asking God, helps us do so with no strings attached.
Meaning that I can go to my Heavenly Father and really explore the pros and cons knowing my husband won’t hang it over my head
the rest of my life with whatever answer I get and feel comfortable with. I, in turn, won’t hold it over my husband’s head because I know he is also earnestly seeking to discover what will be best for our family.
This process of seeking direction from God allows me to figure out if this is something I can really get behind or not. Choosing a medical specialty will take a lot of patience as we learn about the various options, but being open and honest with each other and God allows us to explore without fear or pressure to do what the other wants.
Overcoming Personal Biases
That being said, I need to be open and aware of my personal bias so that I am not ruled by my fears. If I am completely shut off to the idea of surgery, well, I really don’t think that is fair to Blade or to the process of discovering what is right for our family. I also don’t want Blade feeling resentment toward me because I didn’t put in the effort to explore all our options, including surgery.
By letting our pride and fears rule this decision, it will likely cause cracks and fissures in our marriage. One person should not hold more power than the other in this decision. This is a team decision.
I personally feel that we both need to come to the same conclusion (eventually) when it comes to choosing a medical specialty. Preferably before Match Day! We need to be on the same page, which will likely require both of us to give and take a little. This won’t happen if I let my fears of soloing it take over.
(PS. if soloing it and being independent is something you want to become better at, check out these posts/podcasts from Married to Doctors … How to Develop Your Independence When Married to a Doctor and Owning Your Independence as a Doctor Spouse)
My goal through this process of choosing a medical specialty is to stay open to all options, to talk openly about my feelings, and listen to Blade’s thoughts and feelings. The knowledge I gain about the various fields and specialties available to Blade should inform my prayers and decisions, as should his feelings and desires.
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Well, here’s to the next three years of many real talks as we figure this out. Stay tuned…
