“The Savior is never closer to you than when you are facing or climbing a mountain with faith.” –President Russell M Nelson
I’ll be honest, the past few weeks have been ROUGH. This mountain of a month that we are climbing is a tough journey. Today is day 17 of Blade’s away rotation.
Since the start of Blade’s away rotation, we’ve both faced various challenges.
ON THE AWAY ROTATION
The first week was pretty rough for Blade. He faced some hazing among other things that were just horrible luck. But, what just made it that much worse was four days into his rotation, his rental car was hit in the middle of the night by a drunk driver rendering it pretty much totaled.
They don’t know who did it. And he is probably spent well over 12 hours on the phone with Turo to try and figure it out. The case keeps getting even more complicated but we won’t get into that…So, we are on the hunt for a good lawyer!
As such, he has been out of transportation to and from the hospital for about two weeks. And still nothing has really been resolved. Gratefully, he has amazing hosts and has had tender mercies from kind friends who have sent him money for Ubers.
Not to mention his 30-hour trip home, staying long sleepless nights in the airports, all for his third immunotherapy infusion. At least we got to see him for a bit. However, it would have almost been easier had he not come home because it felt like whiplash when he left.
ON THE HOMEFRONT
I’ve had nine bouts of kids throwing up between the two of them. 10 if you count the dog. I have no clue what’s going on because it comes out of no where and then they seem totally fine. Though E has definitely not been himself. Hazel has especially had a hard time with her Daddy being gone. She misses him so much and asks about him every day. So, we made a chain countdown to help Hazel see how many days we have left until we get to see Daddy again. Add in the normal single parenting chaos and I may be going a tad crazy.
Being the only adult in charge is nerve-wracking. I triple check locked doors before bed. Plus, what if something were to happen to me?? I’ve become paranoid that something will horrible will happen and no one will know for days because no one is coming home after work to us. So, the kids would be left on their own. Scenario after scenario played through my mind that first week of Blade being gone. So, I text Blade three times a day at least just to check in to say I’m alive.
I am exhausted.
I yell more than I’d like to admit.
I am stressed.
I feel anxious and overwhelmed easily.
I am emotionally and physically stretched thin.
I am lonely but I want alone time.
I feel like I have zero patience.
I have cried many times just from the overwhelm.
Yes, this mountain is big. It’s hard. And I am trying to climb it with faith.
I am trying to recognize the Savior’s closeness during this season. But at times it’s pretty hard to do. The weeks have definitely had their good moments and are filled with tender mercies. So, I decided to sit down tonight and write out a list of how I’ve felt and seen His hand during this climb…
THE SAVIOR’S HAND
- My sweet neighbor watching my kids multiple times so I can mow, run errands, and more. She is an angel that has been my saving grace many of times. Plus, the kids adore her.
- Amazing friends who invite us over for dinner randomly.
- The comfort of having my Tucker pupper by my side at night.
- The times where I’ve been able to breathe and calmly tackle a frustrating parenting situation.
- Kind friends reaching out to check on me with texts, Marco Polos, or messages.
- The healing words of asking my toddler for forgiveness and expressing my love for them.
- The quiet moments when the kids are finally asleep.
- Hazel’s sweet and heartfelt compliments.
- E bringing me books to read.
- Technology that allows the kids and me to talk to Blade while he is 1,261.8 miles away.
- Being able to go to the gym every morning and have 45 minutes of focused, sweaty me time.
- Blade’s hosts cook dinner for him every night. So, I know he is at least getting one good meal!
- Lunch get togethers with my friends and their kids.
- Long walks outside.
- The first time I felt I could breathe and wasn’t overwhelmed when Blade came home for his cancer treatment.
- Being able to see Blade for 30-hours this past weekend.
- The encouraging words from strangers and friends that they are praying for me and admire my strength, especially when I don’t feel strong at all.
- Texts from Blade.
- The weather that allows us to spend more time enjoying outside.
- E saying Mama and his sweet cuddles after a long day.
- Holding my babies tight when they are calm and tired.
- Friends and family sending Blade money for Ubers when they heard about the car situation.
- Hazel actually listening to me and being such a good big sister when E isn’t feeling well.
- The young women group from church volunteering to babysit my kids.
- When the kids play together nicely.
GIVEN THE CAPACITY
I am feeling pretty defeated lately. And yes, the list above definitely highlights some of those tender mercies from the Lord we’ve experienced during this away rotation. But I don’t think that “closeness” to the Savior when facing mountains necessarily means that it gets easier or lifts all your burdens. Even with all these tender mercies, I still feel very overwhelmed, defeated, and exhausted.
Rather, I think it is when we rely on Him with our faith that we are given the capacity to keep going. Because you see, sometimes that’s all that we can do. We just do what we have to do because there is no other option.
Well, we have one more week alone during this away rotation and then we are off to spend time with Blade in Charleston when he’s not at the hospital. We did decide to take the plunge and bought plane tickets for his last week there. So, me and the kids will get to visit, and we convinced Grandma Liz to come too! Heaven knows after the last few months we’ve had that we could all use some beach time!
Many thanks for your blog, Kristi. I admire the way how sincerely and truthfully you tell about such confident and important things, it takes a special courage, a lot of courage, but most importantly, it is really valuable, because it can help those who face with a similar situations you do. I’m medical student myself and I know that following words are quite a weak reason for not to fall in despair and stay cheerful, and yet: I noticed that many people (Indians, Tibetans, for example, and some of european medics as well) have such a conviction: if the doctor himself went through the disease and defeated it, it means he studied the process from the inside, in all possible ways and that is really valuable experience. And such a doctor more likely will be able to help those who face such a disease, his patients, he has some kind of a special sense for this, he can choose the most successful treatment (of course, we must follow all the golden standards and recommendations, etc.)
You know yourself, He moves in mysterious ways 🙂 But maybe once such an experience has appeared, your husband should consider the opportunity to become a really great oncologist, because he went through it. Combining a desire to help children with a specialization in this area will be very demanded, always. All the best to you and your family.