With a medical student as a spouse, you have a lot of alone time. Three things to keep in mind when learning independence as a medical school spouse.

This last birthday I turned 28. Each year my husband asks me the same question. What is one lesson you learned this year? 27 was a great year. A challenging year, but a great one for sure. With my husband starting med school, settling in after a big move across the country, all of us surviving (and enjoying) my daughter’s first year, and so much more. 27 was a busy year. Usually answering this question is kind of hard, but not this year. One of the lessons I am coming to understand is learning independence as a medical school spouse.

INDEPENDENCE

This is a topic that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. For instance, this past summer I took my 18-month-old AND our cocker spaniel across Rochester to explore. All. On. My. Own.

I know, I know. You’re probably thinking. Wow, (sarcastically) great job. But really. This is a big deal for me!

Had you seen me last summer, I wouldn’t have dared to do some of the things I’ve done this year on my own.

My extent of doing things alone (with kid and dog in tow) last year was going on walks. Probably about two miles round trip. I spent a large majority of my time inside or in our yard (if it wasn’t too hot, humid, or cold). I was bored. A lot.

But believe me, this new found “independence” didn’t just happen overnight. It has been and continues to be a process. I am still “learning independence”. It takes practice.

With a medical student as a spouse, you have a lot of time to practice independence. Here are a few things to keep in mind when learning independence as a medical school spouse.

JUST GET OUT

The realization that I have become more independent actually dawned on me when returning from a trip to a nearby lake.

I’ve gone a couple times alone and a couple times with other moms this summer. But last summer, I wouldn’t have dared to try and take my dog and daughter to the lake by myself. Believe me, it’s a lot of work.

I was dripping sweat this last time trying to wrangle an excited dog and easily distracted, strong-willed toddler from the car to the lake and then back! And I definitely lost my cool a couple times as fits were thrown because my daughter insisted on carrying the dog’s poop bag…True story.

It was all worth it. Watching Tucker swim after ball after ball. Sharing my love for the water with my daughter as we waded in as deep as she could go and hearing her squeal with delight!

On another note, I sincerely admire those mothers or fathers out there who have multiple kids and go on adventures without their spouse or another adult. I guest that’s why you work up to it and (usually) the kids come one at a time.

In the end, the long walks through uncharted territory, excursions to the lake, bike rides to the park across town, and trips to the library…none of these memories would have happened had I not decided to just get out.

Staying in would have most certainly been the easier option, and you definitely need those days. But it is oh so important to just get out. Whether you are working or a stay-at-home parent, leave the comfort of home and do something YOU want to do. Which leads me to my next point.

STOP WAITING, BEGIN DOING

During the first year of med school, it was easy for me to say, Oh, I’ll just wait til he gets home. Then we can go on that hike together. Or I would have thoughts like, But Blade would love to do that with us. I’ll just wait til he gets home or when he can come with us.

True. Blade would love to go on adventures or to local attractions, but time after time, I found that I was just waiting. Waiting for him to come home when class was supposed to get out. Waiting for him to be done studying histology. Waiting for him to get out of the anatomy lab after being there literally all day.

Because I kept waiting, I never got doing.

And because I never got around to doing things I wanted to or even needed to do, I became frustrated and unfulfilled.

Let me be clear. I think that’s totally fine to try and schedule certain activities with your significant other and wait here or there. And you should!

However, if you find yourself waiting all the time, you will never do what you want to do (ex. the picture above of my daughter and I apple picking) or do what needs to be done. Like grocery shopping.

I had found myself waiting to get things done as simple as grocery shopping! Stupid, I know. It was just easier with two people. Plus, I had never really braved the grocery store with my then 6-month-old alone. Driving around our new home was still intimidating to me and I had major anxiety as a new mom.

But you know what? I eventually did it. My first trip to the grocery store alone with my baby, is still pretty fresh in my memory.

I put her in the sling and started gathering what we needed. In the spices isle, I had a little bit of a mental breakdown because I hadn’t organized the items on my list. I felt like I was wasting a lot of time walking back and forth searching for each item. The anxiety was building up in my chest and I couldn’t focus.

But, I finally got home and the groceries put away. I felt relieved and accomplished. I could do hard things on my own. Going to the store is a breeze now for me, and my daughter (usually) enjoys it.

“Stop waiting and begin doing” is harder than it may seem. Eating dinner for instance. Eating dinner together is really important to me. So, sometimes I do wait.

However, several times we started eating dinner without my husband because otherwise Hazel and I would have both be extremely hangry.

For example, I was pretty proud of myself when there was a school picnic and Blade was caught up in a meeting. He had said he’d meet us there, but he was no where in sight and not answering my texts or calls.

I lurked from a distance with my daughter in arms, eyeing the scene as medical students streamed into the courtyard. I didn’t recognize anyone and had a battle going on in my head over what to do.

I am not a very outgoing person in the first place, but going to med school events without my med student is just awkward to me. Plus, I knew we’d be cutting into my daughter’s nap already. If we waited for Blade to show up, I would have a very hungry and very ornery toddler.

So, I said screw it.

I walked as confidently as I could through the crowd to the food line. I made a plate for Hazel and I while making small chat with students in line. The Dean of the school even helped us to a table and I met an awesome new family (with kids!) that just started their first year. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I just had to get over my fears.

So, stop waiting to fix the sink. Stop waiting to hang the pictures on the wall. Stop waiting to take the car to the auto shop.

Decide to stop waiting and begin doing. Move forward with your life and live! You’ll be grateful you did.

TAKE INITIATIVE, JOIN A COMMUNITY, FIND A TRIBE, MAKE A FRIEND

I don’t think to be “independent” means being solitary. I think a key part of it is actually taking the initiative to join a community, find a tribe, and make a friend.

Last year, I had started to make a few friends, and occasionally got together with them here and there, but I wasn’t quite comfortable yet enough to reach out often.

Part of learning to be independent as a medical school spouse is building friendships on your own. Taking the initiative to join a community and find a tribe.

When we first got married, Blade and I made friends together. We’d meet other couples and get to know them together. We attended each other’s events together. We would sit together at receptions. Explore the town together. He was my comfort zone.

Blade is my person. He will always be my person.

In the same breath, I also have found that I need other people in my life on this medical journey that I can rely on IN PERSON when my person can’t be there because of clinical rotations or endlessly long days and nights of studying.

So, do what you have to do to find a person, a tribe, a community that you can rely on. Not only for when times get tough (because they will), but to have fun!

How grateful I am for the women I have met while on this journey. There is a group of gals I’ve found and our husbands’ fondly call us the breakfast club. We get together once a week and rotate hosting breakfast.

While none of these women in this group are actually “med school wives”, I’ve been able to connect with them in so many other ways.

I’ve also been able to call on these women in a moments notice both for help and to go on a fun adventure.

To be honest, I was so nervous reaching out at first (and still do when first meeting people). I remember spending a long time writing out a text message to invite one of them over to lunch. I laugh about it now, but it can be hard to put yourself out there.

Often times I am not even the first one to reach out, which I am so grateful for by the way. This made me realize that there is a high likelihood that nine times out of 10, the people around you would be more than happy to connect with, get to know, and do something with YOU!

Taking that initiative to make friends can be scary and intimidating, but it is so worth it in the end.

A FEW RECOMMENDATIONS

Not sure where or how to start? Here’s a few podcasts and blog posts that have helped me have the courage and have given me ideas to take the initiative in joining a community, finding a tribe, and making a friend.

WHAT CAN INDEPENDENCE GIVE YOU?

This newfound independence is not always comfortable. It’s not always fun. I still wish that my husband was able to come on all our adventures and his schedule wasn’t always so demanding.

It’s still hard sometimes to choose to be independent.

But that’s okay. Independence is a process. It takes time and practice, especially on this medical journey. Good thing as medical spouses we have plenty of time to practice, right??

Here are a few things that independence has given me so far…

  • It has allowed me to make memories with my daughter.
  • I won’t look back on med school and say I’m so glad it’s over, but rather I’m so glad we did this.
  • It has given me quality, focused time outside of our home with my daughter that has built our relationship and strengthened my confidence as a mother.
  • I am more confident that I can handle hard situations on my own and make the correct decision.
  • I’ve developed new skills that I would have never discovered without being on my own.
  • Amazing friends and confidence to make more.

So, what can or has independence given you? What ways can you own your independence more as a medical spouse? Share below in the comments, I’d love to hear!

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