Transition to Parenthood

“Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these His little ones.” – President Gordon B. Hinckley

Below are things to be aware of when it comes to transitioning into parenthood, concerns or issues we could face, and how we plan to address these as a couple.

Transitioning into Parenthood

• Cost of Children
  • It costs anywhere from $130,000 – $406,000 to raise a child from birth to age 17. If you have a family of four children – that’s nearly 2 million dollars.
  • Childcare and education has gone from two percent in the 1960s to seven percent in 2010.

• Life Event and Expectations
  • It’s important to remember that having children is predictable (9 months to prep), can be stressful. There are changes in relationships or roles and changes in regular behavior patterns (like leisure, sleep, eating, etc) that you will have to face.
  • Consultant and lecturer in child development Ellen Galinsky “describes pregnancy as the period of image-making; parents form ideas of what they will be like as parents and what the baby will be like. Even in the early months their images may clash with reality. Parents may not feel as excited as they anticipated even thought they had planned the baby or mothers may feel sicker than they expected. Throughout parenthood, parents have to adjust their images of what they expect to fit the reality of what is happening” (Brookes, pg 125). I think it is important to recognize that you will likely have to change your image and adjust your expectations throughout pregnancy and parenthood.
  • Brookes discusses that the arrival of baby changes everything from finances, sex life, sleeping habits, social life, and more. Most first time parents say nothing could have preapred them for the experience, but knowing what to expect can help. (p. 126)
  • Changes the Baby Brings (p. 128)
    • Tiredness and exhaustion
    • Loss of sleep, especially the first two months
    • Needing to adjust to new responsibilities
    • Feeling inadequate as a parent
    • Difficulty in keeping up with the amount of work for baby and home
    • Feeling tied down
    • Worries regarding finances

• Three L’s of Becoming Parents: Labor, Love, Leisure
  • Labor: Workload will change in and outside the home.
    • Some women leave paid work, others decrease work hours, or work from home.
    • Within the LDS Church
      • Working women feel judged by stay-at-home mothers as if they are not doing what is best for their children
      • There is confusion and insecurity among some stay-at-home women who feel they have sacrificed a career when they witness professional women receiving praise and recognition in the Church (as if stay at home moms are not fully appreciated). (Walker, lecture 14)
    • Household work increases dramatically.
      • Before parenthood: Both men and women do an average of 5.8 tasks per day
      • After parenthood: Both men and women do an average of 36.2 tasks per day

• Love: Expectations about parental role can lead to changes in love for spouse and conflict in marriage.
  • Parents and non-parents do not differ in:
    • how well they feel they communicate
    • marital satisfaction
    • how much they love each other
    • amount of (-) and (+) behaviors
      • Usually problems get worse after kids
      • Need one on one time, relationship with spouse should come before kids

• Leisure: Time together as a couple decreases once baby is born.
  • Before parenthood: 44 percent of spouse’s activities done together as a couple
  • After parenthood: Couple time decreases 50 percent

Transition for Mom. Breastfeeding has many pros and some cons. Some women do one bottle of formula a day so a child can get used to it. If you wait til after a year, they won’t adjust so easy to formula. Take percocet for pain when breastfeeding because your uterus is shrinking back. You will be feeding 6-8 times a day when the baby is born – slowly weening off as they grow (Walker, lecture 7). If your baby doesn’t latch well to feed, you can get help with a lactation consultant. Learn more here and here.

“The American Academy of Pediatrics believes that breastfeeding is the optimal source of nutrition through the first year of life.  We recommend exclusively breastfeeding for four to six months and then gradually adding solid foods while continuing breastfeeding until at least the baby’s first birthday.” (Shelov, S.P. Your Baby’s First Year. 2005. The American Academy of Pediatrics: New York, NY.)

Breastfeeding Pros for Mom Release hormones in your body that promote mothering behavior Return your uterus to the size it was before pregnancy more quickly Burn more calories, which may help you lose the weight you gained during pregnancy (eat 500 more calories) Delay the return of your menstrual period to help keep iron in your body (not effective birth control) Reduce the risk of ovarian cancer and breast cancer Keep bones strong, which helps protect against bone fractures in older age

Breastfeeding Pros for Baby Breastfeeding provides warmth and closeness. Skin to skin is very connective for both mom and baby. It’s easier for your baby to digest. It doesn’t need to be prepared. It’s always available. It has all the nutrients, calories, and fluids your baby needs to be healthy. Less likely to have ear infections, diarrhea, Pneumonia, wheezing, bronchiolitis, and other bacterial and viral infections, such as meningitis May also protect against obesity (cells don’t get used to over eating when breastfeeding because they are done when they are done and spit out the nipple), diabetes, SIDS, and some cancers It has growth factors that ensure the best development of your baby’s organs.

Breastfeeding Cons for Mom Trouble latching Goes through the system quicker than formula Allergies

Breastfeeding Cons for Baby It can be challenging to produce enough milk (but most woman can with hard work) It can be painful (nipple soreness and mastitis) It limits your mobility (pump and bottle feed 1/day)

Concerns or Issues with Transition to Parenthood

1. I have struggled personally with depression and I know most of my sisters have had deep struggles with postpartum depression after their baby is born. This is a major concern of mine as I transition into parenthood.
2. I have always had the question of whether or not I should work part-time or not as a mom. I always want to put my kids first and foremost, but because my husband will be in medical school for so long, I might need to or even want to work at least part-time.
3. There will be a lot of changes when it comes to having children. How can my husband and I maintain our relationship and still spend time together as we transition into parenthood?

Addressing Concerns or Issues

1. One of the predictors of a positive transition is developing individual coping skills and going to therapy before, during, and after to help develop those skills (Walker, lecture 7). I have also learned from my sister that after the birth, you can get a progesterone cream or shot to help stabilize your hormones. The Emily Effect also has some great resources here to help women who are struggling and need support across the state of Utah.
2. I found the “60-hour week hypothesis” really interesting. It explores the ideal for intact households with kids is both parents to participate in paid employment but with combined work hours of the mom and dad not to exceed the 60 hrs per week. Three groups were compared. 1. full-time/full-time. 2. at least one partner part-time (60-hour). 3. full-time/not employed. Sixty-hour couples report significantly greater job flexibility, improved work family fit, enhanced family satisfaction, and less work-to-family conflict (Walker, lecture 14). I could see this working for my family if I work at home part-time. Perhaps 10-15 hours a week. Line Upon Line is a great article to read about motherhood and how we sometimes overemphasize or idealize motherhood. It helps put things more into perspective. I particularly like the idea that mother is not the only identity a women has in life. Overall, I think it will be a decision that my husband and I both make when it comes to labor. I could say many things about this concern or issue, but I feel these three quotes say it best.

“[A woman] need not try to sing all of the verses of her song at the same time” –President James E. Faust

“First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances. Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions.” -Elder Quentin L. Cook

“There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else.” – Elder M. Russel Ballard

3. To make sure our relationship stays strong as a couple, we can strive to make our relationship the priority now and after kids. We should try to do activities that we both enjoy and make it clear what the division of labor is after birth. We both need to feel it is fair. It is also important that we adjust our image and expectations of parenthood together because reality may not be what we expect. There are parenting classes or programs also available to help ease the transition. Brooks discusses adjustment to parenthood and says the power of a positive relationship between husband and wife can really help the transition. Ingredients of a positive relationship include:

• Parent’s agreement on role arrangements regardless of whether traditional or egalitarian.
• Couple’s ability to communicate with each other – to express thoughts, feelings, and needs in ways each partner can hear and respond to, can be a touch, or an action.
• Focusing on what is good about the situation or the action of the other person and what needs to be done to improve the situation, avoiding negative criticism and angry exchanges (p. 226-228).

Overall, I think if we can focus on creating good habits together now, transitioning will be easier.

Reference unless otherwise sited/linked:

• Walker, L. Class lecture 7: Transition to Parenting, School of Family Life 240: Parent Child Guidance, Winter 2017
• Walker, L. Class lecture 14: Parenting and Work, School of Family Life 240: Parent Child Guidance, Winter 2017
• Brooks, J. B. (2013). The process of parenting. New York: McGraw-Hill.