Parenting Philosophy

“Motherhood is not a hobby. It is a calling. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.” – Neil L. Anderson

I love this quote because it emphasizes what is most important and brings it back to the divine calling of parenthood and motherhood. It can be easy to get distracted from things that matter most in a world that seeks to tell you otherwise. I hope to become a mother where my children know they are loved, feel empowered in their choices, and are confidant in where they are going in life. Below I outlined three of my parenting goals (being relationship-focused, proactive, and authoritative) to help me become a better mother in the future.

Relationship-Focused

Definition: Strive to make parenting efforts directed toward the parent-child relationship and long-term goals—rather than about the activity, task, or short-term goals.

Being relationship-focused as a parent is considered to be an aspect of positive parenting because of the following:

• Jane Brooks (2013) explains “positive relationships with children are related to children’s healthy growth” (p. 126).
• As children grow, they spend more time away from family and the home. I feel it is key to develop a secure attachment with my children. Brooks (2013) explains that children who have “secure attachments to parents adapt to school demands and preform well academically, and are socially accepted” (p 288). What does a secure attachment look like in a relationship?
  • Open, sensitive, and reciprocal communication
  • Collaborative problem solving
  • Support for the child’s exploration and autonomy
• Dr. Laura Walker emphasized throughout the semester that everything comes back to the parent-child relationship. Walker shared an example of a woman whose daughter refused to attend church. She wondered if she should put her foot down and make her daughter attend or not. However, she also was worried that if she did so, it would push her daughter away even more. I remember Walker stating that sacrificing the relationship wasn’t worth it. It was better to keep the relationship healthy so her daughter would feel loved and the door would always be open between the two. This way the daughter always knew she could come back to church and that she was loved. If the relationship became damaged because of this issue, the daughter may not have ever wanted to come back to church or she may feel like she could not approach her mom with problems or concerns in the future (Walker, L. Class lecture 12: Parenting Teens, School of Family Life 240: Parent Child Guidance, Winter 2017)
• Throughout the semester, Dr. Walker referred to long-term and short-term goals. Much of how a parent reacts toward a child’s behavior is based off of these goals. For instance, it is definitely ok to succumb to a short-term goal like getting your child sleep by letting them sleep with you on occasion, but it is important to keep the long-term goal of the child sleeping on their own as your focus. Sometimes it can be easy to give into a child’s wants and whines for a treat. But, if the short-term goal becomes the rule instead of the exception, a child won’t learn self-control in some aspects. In addition, I feel like if parents give in continually they likely will then be fighting bad habits throughout the teen years. However, if a parent holds their ground and sticks to the rules and long-term goals, a child is more likely to respect the parent and develop skills needed to self-regulate. While it is important to hold to those goals it is just as important how you deliver and carry out those goals as you respond to your child. Brooks (2013) states:

“Parents’ warm and positive expressiveness help children develop effortful control, defined as the ability to observe and plan behavior, inhibiting inappropriate dominant responses and carrying out less dominant, but appropriate responses. Effortful control enables children to regulate their feelings and their behavior” (p. 287).

• Thomas S. Monson (2008) stated, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” I think this especially applies to parenting. Our children should be our focus rather than a task or problem. When we focus on the relationship rather than the activity or task, it is never a question of love. If attendance at a child’s event or activity is due to feeling obligated as a parent, it doesn’t have the same affect as if I am attending my child’s soccer game because I love them and want them to succeed. Brooks (2013) stated that “Parents are interactive partners, continuing to provide sensitive parenting to maintain the attachment that gives children a sense of security and trust in relationships with others” (p. 251).  Developing these secure attachments increases a child’s willingness to internalize family rules and values and regulate their behavior.

“Above all else, children need to know and feel they are loved, wanted, and appreciated. They need to be assured of that often.” – President Ezra Taft Benson (1982)

How To Meet The Goal and Potential Problems

• Verbalizing the why of my actions.
  • For example, if my child complains about me not letting them have social media accounts until they are a certain age, I will explain our thought process in our decision. Most importantly emphasizing the safety issues and that there are better things to use their doing, especially as a young teen. Ultimately, we love them and want to help them stay safe. I also want to express to them that I am open to collaborate on this problem with them if they have a solution we can come up with as a compromise. Obviously, each child will be a bit different, but if they show us they are trustworthy, I want to support them in their autonomy in making decisions regarding media.
    • Potential problems I could face with this goal include my temperament and how my child reacts. Personally, I have a pretty quiet temperament and I am not the best at verbalizing my feelings or thoughts. However, I think that I can overcome this because I can practice explaining the why behind acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors to my children while they are young. I think it is easy to simplify the why we don’t hit to a preschool age child. As I practice explaining the why, it will be easier when I face bigger problems or issues with my teens. However, I can not really control how my child reacts or what they think when I explain the why. I can, however, seek to understand where they are coming from if they don’t agree with the actions or decisions we make as parents. I can do so by being open and honest and collaborate with them on any problems.
• Acknowledge bids for attention and strive to understand.
  • If I am in the middle of an important task and my child is seeking my attention by calling my name, I will acknowledge them and ask them to wait for me to get to a good stopping point so I can focus on them. However, if I am on social media or doing dishes and my child seeks my attention, I want to strive to stop, put the phone or dish down, and give them my full attention. I can seek to understand them by asking open ended questions to encourage them to share their feelings and then listen to what they are saying. By acknowledging their bid for attention, and then turning toward them I hope to create an open, sensitive pattern of reciprocal communication. I want them to feel like they can come to me whenever they need something.
    • Potential problems I could face with this goal include getting distracted and balancing important tasks that have to get done.
      • I think it can be easy to get distracted by tasks at hand, but relationships are more important. I think I can practice this now by putting my phone away when I am with my husband and give him my full attention when we are together. This way it is a bit easier to put the phone away and get on the floor and play with my kids. This was a pattern with my parents that might be hard to break. My dad and mom always had a task to be checked off their to do lists. It was just known that you don’t interrupt mom or dad when they are in the middle of doing something. I sometimes felt like a task in their eyes instead of their child to be loved. However, with that in mind, it may be easier for me to combat that problem because I never want my child to feel like a task to be checked of my list.
      • When it comes to tasks that need to get done, I will need the help of my husband. If we can tag team “adult tasks” like paying the bills or cooking dinner, it will be easier to make sure things get done. I can also personally take advantage of nap time, school time, and babysitters if needed to get things done. That way I can be at the crossroads and fully give them my attention. Depending on the age, I can also invite them to help me with the tasks that need to be done. This would present perfect teaching moments.
• Be at the crossroads and talk with my children daily
  • To help me to stay focused on the relationship between my child and myself, I want to strive to be at the crossroads. I plan on being there when they get home from school and talking with them about their day. I want to ask them questions about their thoughts and help them feel connected with us as parents and to our family. I want to be at every graduation, swim meet, and baseball game. I think the firsts are really important too. The first tooth that falls out, the first pitch in their game, or the first steps they take out the door to go to college. If I am there and verbally express my love and encouragement, I hope to create a secure attachment where my child feels loved and empowered to continue to do their best even if they fail.
    • Potential problems I could face with this goal include balancing multiple activities and possible work constraints.
      • Within a family, there are often multiple activities that each child is participating in. This might make it difficult to be to every single game or recital. I think if I at least try to go to the majority of games or at least part of an individual game, that might just be the best I can do. Obviously, I need to place graduations and things like that on high priority events to attend.
      • I don’t know if I will need to work as a mother, but I know my husband will have long hours at work and school because he is planning on becoming a doctor. I think if we hold family counsels every week and month, we can hopefully plan it out so that at least one parent can be at the crossroads.

Proactive Parenting

Definition: Parenting in anticipation of a child’s behavior.

Being a proactive parent is considered to be an aspect of positive parenting because of the following:

• Sometimes parents think that if they talk about sex or drugs with their child they will become curious and will be more likely to participate in those behaviors. However, Dr. Walker shared with us that parents who are proactive in discussing topics like sexuality, drugs, pornography, bullying, etc. promote child disclosure and open lines of communication with their children (Walker, L. Class lecture 12: Parenting Teens, School of Family Life 240: Parent Child Guidance, Winter 2017). If these topics are open to be discussed in the family, children will feel more comfortable asking questions and coming to you as a parent if they made a mistake. If we are comfortable as a parent bringing it up, a child will be more comfortable listening to and talking to us about it.
• Teens whose parents talk to them regularly about the dangers of drugs are 42 percent less likely to use drugs than those whose parents don’t. However, only a quarter of teens report having these conversations (Walker, 2017).
• In lecture, we also discussed that it is important to be proactive in teaching your children about puberty and what they will be experiencing. Don’t leave it up to the school at the maturation program. We should discuss emotional and social results of puberty. This is a sensitive time in their life and if we are proactive and talk to them about it, they hopefully will feel more comfortable approaching us to discuss their concerns and feelings (Walker, 2017).
• Pre-arming strategies help prepare children and teens for situations that they may encounter with friends, media, and behavior problems. I would say that it is pretty rare now for children and teens to not have seen pornography in some form. If I don’t talk to my child about it and what to do if they encounter it, who will? They will turn to friends and the internet. Personally, I don’t want my child to learn incorrect information from their peers or the media. I would rather they hear it from me and their dad so they know what is expected of them when it comes to morality (Walker, L. Class lecture 3: Positive Parenting, School of Family Life 240: Parent Child Guidance, Winter 2017).
• By discussing what could happen and what to do in a variety of circumstances, whether it is pornography or a stranger approaching them, they then have the tools to face those issues on their own. This is crucial because as parents we can’t be with them every second of the day. We then can feel comfortable to defer to them to make their own decisions after we have prepared them. This isn’t permissive parenting and is most effective in late teenage years (Walker, 2017)
• Media

How To Meet The Goal and Potential Problems

• Parent-child sexuality communication
  • I want to be proactive and make sexuality a frequent conversation at our house. I feel this is one of the most important discussions we can have with our kids and to make it a common conversation so it isn’t a one time talk. I plan on doing this by starting early and using correct terminology and age appropriate information. I will be there at the crossroads when they come home from school and ask questions, listen, and express my gratitude if they open up to me to help create a supportive and safe climate for them. So instead of feeling fearful or ashamed, I can help them develop a healthy sense of their sexuality.
    • Potential problems I could face with this goal is the patterns my parents set and if I have a child that doesn’t want to talk about sexuality.
      • My parents didn’t talk to me about anything when it came to sexuality. Literally nothing. I learned through school, friends, and media. My mom tried to talk with me about it right before I got married and it was super awkward. I can combat this because I am determined to not let it slip by with my kids. I really wish my parents would have talked to me about sexuality because it would have saved me so much pain and guilt over nothing. My motivation to change this pattern will help me carry it out. I also have taken the Healthy Sexuality in Marriage Class here at BYU and plan to use that material and the material we covered in class to help teach my kids and have open conversations about it.
      • If I have a child that doesn’t want to talk about sexuality, I will ask questions, bring it up myself, and find other ways to teach them through appropriate books. I will also explain why I want them to hear about sexuality from mom and dad.
• Talking about puberty openly
  • I want to be proactive and teach them sooner rather than later about puberty. I plan on doing this by having a special day set aside for my son or daughter where they get to go on a date with mom and dad. Here is where we can discuss with them the changes they will experience. I want to express to them that they can always ask us questions and talk to them about things. Then I will follow up by asking them questions every once in a while.
    • Potential problems I could face is knowing how to talk about puberty with my child on their level and my child’s desire to talk about puberty.
      • It has been a while since I went through puberty myself, but I remember it still. However, I want to become educated as to what I should cover and come up with ideas of how to talk about it with my child so they don’t feel strange or uncomfortable.
      • If we have a child that doesn’t want to talk about puberty, again I think having a set date with mom and dad will help. But also, I should respect their boundaries and ask how they would like to learn about it-via literature, school, or other.
• Be proactive in talking about drugs, alcohol, pornography, and safe dating
  • I plan on doing this by using media to talk about the different situations that characters face and what they did well and could have done differently. I also want to have frequent open conversations about things they have questions about and following up with questions myself.
    • Problems I could face include not knowing how to talk about things without my child feeling like they are a terrible person if they mess up and creating opportunities to talk about these issues.
      • I think the rhetoric I use is important to watch. That it is never about the person, but rather it is about the behavior. We don’t hate the sinner, it’s the sin that makes us sad as parents.
      • Creating opportunities could be really hard, but I think with our media soaked world there will be plenty of opportunities to talk to my older children about these things. But we can also create opportunities by having a family home evening on these subjects.

Authoritative Parenting Style

Definition: Exercise firm control over the child’s behavior but also emphasize independence and individuality in the child.

Within the authoritative parenting style, there are two styles–directive and democratic. Directive tends to be firmer on family issues that are very important to parents. Democratic tends to allow the child to have more of a say on the important issues, however, they are not permissive or indulgent. Authoritative parents allow their kids to explore and ask why.

Being an authoritative parent is considered to be an aspect of positive parenting because of the following:

• Authoritative parenting is linked with the most positive child outcomes such as being self-reliant, self-confident, and able to explore the world with excitement and pleasure.
  • Mothers who are warm and support the autonomy of the a child in the preschool years promotes a child’s attention (Brooks, 2013, p. 252
  • Preschool children are content, self-reliant in new tasks, self-controlled in efforts, self-regulates their behaviors that are disruptive to others.
  • School age girls are independent, achievement orient, competent, high self-esteem, and internalize moral standards of parents and society.
  • School age boys are friendly, present cooperative social behaviors, competent, high self-esteem, and internalize moral standards of parents and society (Walker, L. Class lecture 3: Positive Parenting, School of Family Life 240: Parent Child Guidance, Winter 2017).
  • Research shows that authoritative parenting has the most positive benefits across all ethnic groups in countries around the world (Brooks, 2013, p. 353). Teenagers are more likely to fall into the Identity Achievement stage in Erickson’s “Identity and Reputation versus Identity Diffusion.” This is when teens have explored alternatives and commit to a clearly formatted set of self-chosen values and goals. They also have a sense of well-being and know where they are going in life. (Walker, L. Class lecture 12: Parenting Teens, School of Family Life 240: Parent Child Guidance, Winter 2017)
  • Teens and young adults with parents who are authoritative are more likely to choose friends with similar family values. And their parents’ influence is felt long term in educational values, job aspirations, religious values, sexual and moral values, political values, and drug use values (Walker, 2017).
• Authoritative parents have strong commitments to their kids. Brooks (2013) shares, “Unlike any other pattern, authoritative upbringing consistently generated competence and deterred problem behavior in both boys and girls, at all stages” (p. 353).
• “There is no discipline in all the world like the discipline of love.  It has a magic all its own.” – President Gordon B. Hinckley (Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley, 2016, p. 419)

How To Meet The Goal and Potential Problems:

• Encourage and listen to my child’s input when it comes to family decision making and discipline.
  • An example of family decision making would be family vacations. I want to make family vacations a family decision. I think each child should help take part in planning–everything from destination to the meal plan. I hope to have family planning sessions where each child has a turn in sharing their ideas and opinions. I think if a child feels their opinion is valued, they will feel confident in making decisions and invested in the family.
  • When it comes to discipline, I want my children to have a say in their own consequences for an unacceptable behavior (within reason) when they are older. After discussing the behavior and why it isn’t ok, I will ask them what they think is appropriate consequence and we will decide together. I think by allowing them to have a say in the consequences, they will be able to govern themselves and feel they are responsible for their own actions.
    • Potential problems I could face is making sure my husband and I are on the same page on this issue and siblings feeling things are unfair.
      • My husband can make sure we are on the same page about discipline and decision making by talking about it now and when we have kids. We can express our feelings in private about our opinions of how we see things going and then come to an agreement of how things will work in our family.
      • With siblings, I think it is important to teach our kids that each of them are different and need different things.  Which is why there may be different consequences for each child.  But I also think we need to listen to our children and hear their point of view to take that into consideration.
• Use induction when it comes to discipline and explaining appropriate behavior.
  • Instead of getting upset and attacking my child’s character or personality through criticism, I want to use induction to help them see the affects of their actions. For example, if my child called their sibling a name or were treating them unkindly, I would say something like, “It makes me sad when you call your brother that. How would you feel if someone called you that name?”
    • Potential problems I could face is forgetting to use induction myself and breaking the pattern of my parents.
      • I think it can be easy to say I will do this every time, but really it can be hard to remember because we often just react to situations. I can combat this by reminding myself to pause before I say something when I am angry.
      • My parents didn’t really use induction. It was more just send them to their room when they do something bad. I can rely on my husband to help me use induction by asking him to keep me in check. If either of us get frustrated, we can remind the other to pause and simply say “induction.”
• Have appropriate and clear expectations for mature behavior within the physical, cognitive, and psychological capacity of each child.
  • Expecting my toddler to sit still for three hours of church meetings isn’t realistic. I think they can learn to sit quietly through the sacrament if they understand why and work up to the three hours as they grow older. I would help them sit quietly by providing quiet books or paper to color on. By the time they are teens, they should be able to sit quietly on their own throughout Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, and Young Women or Young Men.
    • Potential problems I could face is an extremely rambunctious toddler and a disrespectful teen.
      • With a rambunctious toddler, I may just have to remind myself that there is a time and a season for all things. I could take them to the mothers room and let them play while I listen to sacrament over the speakers.
      • A disrespectful teen would be hard to deal with in church. But I think I would take them aside and talk about why they are acting a certain way and set goals with them to improve. I think by making it a collaborative effort to solve the problem, a teen will be more willing to change. I think teens appreciate having real conversations instead of just being punished.